Challenges and Calls to Love

I think think one of the hardest challenges is when I have great love for someone, go out of my way to help a dream come true for them, do everything in my power to make sure I keep my word, treat them with respect and love, and yet somehow they end up having negative feelings toward me because I didn't do it sooner, or because I expressed a little frustration along the way, or because I couldn't do more and give them something else they wanted, or because I didn't do it the way they wanted. Its those times when all the love in my heart is not enough proof. My best is still not meeting their expectations. Putting countless hours of blood sweat and tears into helping them achieve a dream goes out the window because they want to be hurt, and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel for the person I care about, it breaks my heart to know that they think I have hurt them, but I know it is not my fault. Its so hard to let go of the guilt. It has happened with more than one person in my life recently and you may ask " What are you doing to them? Maybe you need to look in the mirror and self assess Freddy" I honestly feel I have. I am not perfect, but I am a reasonable, loving, giving person who is truly interested in co-creation. Does this mean I cant say hurtful things or make blunders?No, but I am starting to understand that I need to take responsibility only for what is mine to change. I cannot control how someone else chooses to "create me" for themselves. I am still heartbroken, I am still battling guilt, I am still angry that I am being cast in this light, but the truth is bigger than these feelings. The truth is that I am not at fault. I am a physical being doing my best and I deserve the same compassion and understanding that I give. If someone cannot give me that in return, all I can do is keep giving it and understand that they don't know any other way out than to blame me. I cant try to convince anyone any longer. I have love in my heart. I choose forgiveness. I want to see them shine and fly and be happy, but I cant do anything about their feelings anymore, or judge myself anymore. I have too much good work to do. So, if you are one of those people who has chosen to judge and blame me, I love you and wish nothing but blessings upon you. I thank you for the opportunity to practice knowing my own worth and goodness is not dependent on you. I hope you know yours as well.

As Vulcans say - Live Long and Prosper !

Namaste

Absolutes

Interesting thought ... Whenever I judge a person, event, situation etc, whether it be in a positive or negative way, I often find that I soon have an experience that shows me that the opposite is ALSO true of that person, event, situation etc. It seems that there are no absolutes. It seems that the world is in a constant state of change and possibility only made distinct by our own thoughts about it. At first I found this realization scary, but now I find it to be a miracle...

bacon

MySpace T-Shirt Generator

Lessons from Loss

... Something happened that I feel is a gross injustice. For the past 36 hours or so it has sent me into a tear filled spiral of depression, anger and self pity. It is highlighting every other struggle I have had recently, a bitter feeling of betrayal by someone I worked very hard for, the anti gay stuff in the media the stuff on Wall- Street. I was having trouble seeing any hope or light. I want to share the turning point. Maybe it will help someone else. When I feel that way, and I sit around asking why I feel that way and trying to fight it, I just feel stuck. Feelings are feelings , they are not who we are. When I just let sadness or anger or bitterness be there, and just notice them, when I observe what I am feeling I can start to see what it is trying to teach me and I just accept it as a fact and move toward a better feeling. Maybe its OK to be a little sad at a loss of something important to me, maybe its OK to be angry at injustice. What is not OK is to become those feelings. Fighting with them, asking for justification of them etc. is only holding them in place. I get stuck when I think I either need to be miserable or "all better". It is not always that black and white, sometimes you have to be willing to be in the grey and move through it to something better. It is OK to be grey knowing that what you are at the core is peace and that you are on your way to clarity of that truth. So, if you feel like I have, It's OK; FEEL angry, FEEL sad, dont BE angry or BE sad. Realize its just an emotion trying to show you something, don't allow your actions to flow from that place, the emotions are showing you what does not feel good, move toward what does ! ... What CAN you do about misfortune and injustice ? Refuse to be a victim, take the actions you CAN take and DECIDE that even though you are angry sad bitter etc, You are a wonderful light of God and that it WILL get better. - Namaste

Happy Birthday to me and "Eyes of Love"

It’s ready! My new single, Eyes of Love is ready for download! Happy Birthday Me!
It will serve as a fundraiser to replace some damaged equipment. You can name your own price and download a high quality Mp3. CLICK HERE to read more about it on my blog page! 

Or click here to donate and download!

Once you have completed the donation, you will get a confirmation page. Click on the yellow button that says "return to donations coordinator" and the song should begin downloading! 

Namaste ! 

Angels #2 - Michael Aaron West

Gratitude is important. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own stuff and I assume that people know how grateful I am for their support. This is a series to honor those people in my life who have been angels to me. They deserve it, and nobody, no matter how self sufficient is successful alone. The universe always brings our good through other people. "The more grateful you are the more things you have to be grateful about". - Louise Hay 

My next Angel is Michael Aaron West

Mike West came into my life in 2004, when I booked him for Bearapalooza in NY. I was very impressed with his powerhouse voice and songs, and I really wanted him to be a part of the show. In the end, he couldn't make it, BUT he helped book a Bearapalooza in Nashville, TN. It was the first Bearapalooza outside the NY region, as they had only been in NYC and Philly so far. This was the catalyst for many things, like meeting my partner Jay, and moving to Nashville. After the move, Mike and I worked together on many things. With the help of Tommy Johns, we planned a Bearapalooza in Seattle WA.  We began to perform together as the Budds and produce events together in Nashville, like more Bearapalooza events, a benefit for the Vote “No” on 1 campaign, and the Qnity concert series.  We shared so much of our lives. He and I and our husbands truly became a family.  

In 2007, I experienced something that, at the time seemed deeply hurtful to me. Some of the musicians who frequently participated in Bearapalooza planned their own “Bear” tour without saying a word to me about it. A Bearapalooza tour was something I always wanted to do and had tossed the idea around to a few people, so I was experiencing a lot of emotions about it.  I look back on it now from my new perspective and of course I can see the spiritual part I had to play in all of it, but at the time I was feeling like I was being deeply betrayed by people I cared about.  Michael decided that my dream of a tour of our own would come true and we spent countless  hours together  networking, planning, emailing, coordinating volunteers, sponsors, websites, graphics, logistics and more. Michael worked tirelessly to help me secure all the venues and wrangle the artists, and in May of 2008 the van headed from Nashville to Boston and we traveled down the East Coast, working with over 20 different musicians on the Bearapalooza Road trip. I could not have done it without Michael. He and I are very different and had many ups and downs in our relationship, but at this time when there was a lot of negativity coming at me, he is the one who more than anyone else stood by me, defended me, and championed Bearapalooza as passionately as I did. He helped a dream of mine come true. The tour is one of the highlights of my life and it created some of my most precious memories.  We also played a gig at Milwaukee Pridefest. We got rained out, but we got to meet two women we both admire greatly, Amy and Emily of the Indigo Girls.

Michael & I performing in Seattle

During the tour, Michael met an FTM guy named Grady and they decided that along with Mike’s partner DJ, they would have a baby and start a family. Michael pulled away from doing a lot of stuff with Bearapalooza to focus on being a great Dad to his son Zephyr. He is so devoted to the well-being and care of his little boy. He has been trying to realize his own dream of releasing his album “Choice” which has had many stops and starts.  Over a year ago, I took on the task of finishing his album as producer. The choices I made in my own life had the side effect of keeping me from completing the project. This is one of the reasons I made a lot of changes in my life recently, so I could fulfill a promise to someone who I owe a great deal of gratitude. I am fully recommitted to finishing “Choice” before the year is out. It is time for me to step up to the plate and make HIS dream come true. He has been an angel in my life and now he needs me to be one in his.  He is a talented writer, a gifted singer, a devoted father, husband and friend. He has taught me so much about growing beyond differences in perspective, about family, about persevering, and most of all that loyalty does exist. 

Check out his website and order the reissue of his album “A Long Stretch of Highway” 

Michael West Music

Thank You Michael for all the blessings you bring to my life ! 
Take a moment to acknowledge the angels in your life.

Angels #1 - Don Harvey and Fred Pardo

Gratitude is important. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own stuff and I assume that people know how grateful I am for their support. Sometimes what seems like a miss-communication can lead to something positive. I am going to begin a series to honor those people in my life who have been angels to me. They deserve it, and nobody, no matter how self sufficient is successful alone. The universe always brings our good through other people. I begin today to make gratitude a priority in my life. The more grateful you are the more things you have to be grateful about.

My First Angel is really 2 angels - Donald Harvey and his Husband Fred Pardo

Don and Fred have been involved with Bearapalooza for many years. They have always been very entusiastic about what the festival stood for and always stood by me even when others didnt understand. Whenever someone brought negative energy, Don and Fred stood up for the ideals of the brotherhood and did everything they could to help it prosper. During our 2008 tour they opened thier home to a van load of cranky, smelly musicians and made us feel right at home. At shows, Don always goes above and beyond the call of duty, bringing in equipment, playing bass on everyones set, rehearsing hours of music. He often volunteers to take a pay cut so we can afford to include more musicians. He restrings my guitar every time I see him. He brings so much to every Bearapalooza. Don is an incredible musician. His album "Good Clean Fun" is full of witty sexy songs that are clever and catchy with outstanding musicianship. The album celebrates a raw masculinity with a wicked sense of play that is both naughty and innocent. His husband Fred is always right there to help with Merchandising, setting up a nice table that is well decorated, and sells for the artists, keeping track of all the sales. He always has a warm smile and positive energy to share. Fred and Don have also recently helped Jay and I make a big transition in our life. It would not have been possible without thier help.  I am blessed to know Don and Fred and grateful for the blessings they have shared with me. They are angels.

Thank You Don and Fred for all the blessings you bring to my life ! 

Take a moment to acknowledge the angels in your life.